My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
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He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
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It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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