so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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