I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
