You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
