Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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