Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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