just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
