I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
