just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I have fence marks all over my body
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
