Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
