I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
