My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
