so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
