if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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