And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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