I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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