it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
