i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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