I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
