Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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