I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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