What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
