everyone is single if you try hard enough
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
