Your face is a jimmy john
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
