I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
