paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
