"it" just moved
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
