I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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