I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
