Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
