i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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