I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
