im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
