Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
pop tarts are not kleenex
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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