Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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