9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
