ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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