he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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