So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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