a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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