he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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