wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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