he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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