He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
