i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
