i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
