She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
