I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
