my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
