Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
