3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
