I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
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We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
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When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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