now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
