Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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