if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
