At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
