So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
