dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
As shirtless as possible
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
